On CNN this past Tuesday night, the five candidates for the Democratic nomination for President took to the stage for the first debate, for a night of casual jokes, passive aggressive remarks, a remarkable amount of women flirting with Anderson Cooper as if he’s not married to a man, and a lot of power suits.

The Debate opened with a synopsis of each campaign, calling Clinton the frontrunner and Sanders the man moving up from behind. The three other candidates who are failing in the polls were mumbled out over the loudspeaker as Rick Astley’s ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’ suddenly cut in and out. (Not really, but they might as well have.) Sheryl Crow rose from the milkweeds of Alabama so sing our National Anthem. It was a little breathy, but alright.

Chafee introduced himself by thanking Facebook and then went on to smile like a wax museum caricature. He claimed to have ‘no scandals’ and ‘high ethical standards, no doubt a dig at Clinton’s recent rendezvous wtih the media’. He mentioned world peace once or twice but highlighted his goals for income inequality.

Webb described his government involvement as a Marine and then his endeavors as a journalist and highlighted his family- his son as another soldier, his five daughters as an assortment of respectable positions, his wife as a Vietnamese refugee; all while looking like the terminator.

O’Malley gave a few shoutouts to Obama and addressed the current economic state and the Middle Class, giving out a few statistics and spouting out the “for the children!” statement a few times. He said “We are all in this together” and High School Musical fans around the country rejoiced.

Sanders sounded like an Italian grandfather yelling at his children but his words were heavy right off the bat. He shed light on the millionaire class and it’s constant contortion of the money circulation within our country. Never once did he mention his own accompiments which could be taken as a positive or negative.

Clinton pulled the “but it’s all for the children!” card and referred to how she is willing to listen to the people (I hope she’ll listen to this; navy and white is always a sailor outfit, new suit next time).  Clinton said the word ‘race’ finally and then went back to her LGBT and Women’s Equality platform.

Right off the bat, O’Malley was called out for allowing Baltimore to erupt into unrest after the tragic death of Freddie Grey. O’Malley was able to address Police Brutality while saying that arrests had declined since 2003 since he had governed, tell three sob stories, and never blink. Although his stats and stories that may be true, everything he said was in the tone of an overly concerned guidance counsuelor.

With another vicious assault, Cooper brought out those receipts on Webb about his commentary of Affirmative Action saying it was ‘discrimination against whites’. Webb continued to say that he supported the program primarily for African Americans who have a ‘unique history’ in this country. Unique is…a word.

Gun Control was the next and Clinton curb stomped Sanders policies saying that Sanders wanted to protect gun control manufacturers and one lock of hair began to unravel from the hairspray. Sanders claimed that the bill was multifaceted and complicated but she responded that the bill Sanders voted against for 5 times was not that complicated; O’Malley elaborated to Clinton’s furious head shaking while Sander’s tried to gain back his popularity with vigorous hand movements. All candidates agree there must be some change, but to the extent there was some differences.

Next, onto foreign policy and the crisis in Syria with Russia and their bombings that targeted American funded rebel groups. At this point, Webb complained that he wasn’t talking enough and spent a good deal of his time from then on complaining. (If I wanted to watch a thumb talk I’d watch the Pinheads on a damaged VHS.) He disregarded the question about Russia and decided to talk about China, cyber security, how they treat their people which truly, honestly relates deeply to how Russia bombed Syria.

When it came time to naswer one of of the more controversial topics of this year, Sanders shed light on Black Lives Matter versus All Lives Matter and said he undertsands that “We must fix racism from top to bottom.” O’Malley agreed, claiming that he’s attended the funerals of poor black men in Baltimore and that he understands the need for change. Webb started by saying “Let me start by saying all lives in this country matter” and then went on about how he helped a black guy once and “woe is me” and I went to the bathroom.

Then, in one of the most talked and tweeted about moments of the night, in the same tone of “You call this a sandwich!” Sanders said what was on everyone’s mind about Clinton. “Who cares about your damn emails?” Instantly one of the most talked about instances, the crowd roared with approval and Clinton and Sanders shared a professional high five behind the podiums.

After the debate, a CNN poll went up and within the next twelve hours, showing how Sanders won a stunning 81% of the media vote. However, that poll was taken down and an article saying how clear it was that Clinton took home first was put up instead.

At the end of the night, we all know who won: the silver fox of the News World, Anderson Cooper.