Fun fact: The election process is still going on, and one of the great advantages of having not written anything for the past few months is that there have been all kinds of shocking new developments. For instance, there’s now a third candidate! Like, an actual third party that has some validity and isn’t just Roseanne Barr running for a group of Hollywood nobodies named the “Peace and Freedom Party” (Yes, that actually happened).

When talking about “shocking new developments,” I’m talking about the rise of all of the truly irrelevant parties that have sprung up and decided to gun for a presidential spot. There are a lot this year. Not counting the Republican Party and the Fun Size Edition of the Republican Party, there is not just a third party, but sixteen parties! That number doesn’t factor in all of the write-in voters who made up their own political parties as well. Among the best of the write-in voters is as follows:

• Dennis Ball of the America’s Party of America Party.
• Todd Clayton of the Chivalry Party.
• Cesar St. Augustine DeBuonaparte of the Absolute Dictator Party.
• Paul “Superman” Falkenberg of the Falkenberg Party.

I assure you – the list goes on and on. I’m not making these names up either; in fact, count my vote for DeBuonaparte. Why are there so many political parties in this world, though? (I’m referring to the sixteen mentioned earlier, which sadly does not include the Absolute Dictator Party.) Since I have a fair bit of time on my hands, and a whole lot of Psychology homework to not do, let’s go through each of these political parties and see if there is an alternative that you, the esteemed reader, can select in opposition to the bureaucratic system. Remember, if Bernie Sanders can come from nothing and push for Iowa and lead in New Hampshire, so could you! Maybe even Paul Falkenberg has a shot.

American Independent Party :: With their bold duo of Thomas Hoefling and Dr. Robert Ornelas fighting for their cause, how could anyone gloss over the American Independent Party? Besides both of these candidates being no names outside of the block they grew up on, one quick look at the party’s list of propositions might tell us why they haven’t got anywhere. For starters, the party is entirely based on religion – specifically that of Christianity. Every one of their aims is in regard to God. When the party isn’t busy thanking God for inventing HTML5, they are casting such lofty goals as, “Saying NO to ruinous taxes.” Luckily, the proposition list throws adjectives in front of every noun that make their aims completely subjective. In short, if you thought Margaret Thatcher was great and felt bummed over Mike Huckabee dropping out of the race, you’ll have the American Independent Party to turn to.

American Freedom Party :: I could kind of kid around about the American Independent Party, but I can’t really spend much time writing about these fellows. The group advocates white supremacy and utilizes people of Jewish faith as a scapegoat for the economic failures of our country. Cute. If you see Bob Whitaker or Tom Bowie anywhere out there, be sure to flash them angry looks for me. Thanks.

Constitution Party :: I’m noticing a trend with these other sixteen parties. Most of them are just Republicans that are upset that the actual Republican Party isn’t as ruthless and counterproductive as it should be. The Constitution Party has no candidates and won’t until April – which seems like a really horrible idea, if you’re asking me. One of the strengths that candidates such as Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders have had is that they’ve been campaigning for a long time and have had a chance to gain some momentum. Given the party’s stances on euphanasia and abortion being horrible abominations and their goal to completely outlaw pornography – let’s just say it looks bleak.

Green Party :: Make fun of the Greens all you want, but these guys always finish in the Top 5 in any election that seems to happen. Green politics have actually come a fairly long way since their inception in the late 1970’s. They’re more than just a bunch of tree huggers too, as the party also advocates for progressive social justice and pacifism orders that Hillary Clinton wishes she could come up with. While they don’t have a cemented political leader yet this time around, it appears to be inevitable that Dr. Jill Stein will get another shot after her run in 2012 ended with such hope. All 0.67% of it.

Independent American Party :: Wait, now you’re just flipping words around. That’s not even fair. If you think I’m going to write a whole other paragraph about another group of paleolibertarians who praise the works of Ezra Benson, then you are sadly mistaken. At least they’re running a gem of a candidate named Farley Anderson. Doesn’t Farley sound like the name of a children’s television host?

Libertarian Party :: Have you ever stopped and thought about how short-sighted the idea of a Libertarian party is? No, seriously, think about it. It’s about as counter-productive as having an Anarchist Party run for government. Libertarianism, if we take it back to its original roots in the mid 1800s, was founded on the idea of a stateless society and complete liberty for all. It was Marxist in nature, to say the least. Yet here come these buffoons who are touting what as their political policies? A return to laissez-faire economics. Thanks, Gary Johnson. Just let it trickle down on me, champ.

Objectivist Party :: Did you ever read Atlas Shrugged and think, “Yeah, I’d vote for this.” The Objectivists are here to help then! Follow Tom Stevens and his motley crew of pseudo-intellectuals – one of which is named Dodge P. Landesman, which sounds like a subliminal message of some sorts – who seek to change the world through creating national holidays. Get the family together with such days as Individual Rights Day and Space Exploration Day. Where’s “Please Dissolve Your Party Day?”

The PSL – The Party for Socialism and Liberation :: There’s not much to say about these people. Honestly, they’re a bunch of Marxist-Leninists who believe the best way to create their stateless society is by assuming control of the state. It’s so counter-intuitive. I guess if you wanted some Left Libertarians, then you could vote for them, but most people who believe in Left Libertarianism, like myself, know better. Instead, come up with fun meanings for the acronym PSL, such as Peruvian Soccer League, Presbyterian Sneezing Legion, and Please Suck Less.

Peace and Freedom Party :: Remember when the media went absolutely berserk over that one episode of Roseanne where Roseanne Barr makes out with Mariel Hemingway in a gay bar? That’s infinitely more interesting than anything Roseanne Barr brings as a political candidate. Sorry. I’d still vote for these comedians over the white supremacists though. I guess that’s a plus for them.

Prohibition Party :: Some trends just never die, and the Prohibition Party just keep on keeping on. For some reason. I’m not quite sure, to be honest with you. To be honest, I understand the fight against alcohol and support it to some extent, but I don’t support government bans. No way, no how. Jim Hedges and Bill Bayes will just have to try again next time when alcohol eventually takes the spotlight away from guns in the media as the most dangerous thing ever invented.

Reform Party :: You may actually remember some of the Reform Party’s most famous candidates. Ross Perot, Ralph Nader, Pat Buchanan – all of them did fairly well in the major elections. Of course, the proudest moment for the Reform Party, and for any political party really, was when Jesse “The Body” Ventura got elected Governor of Minnesota. Sadly, no WWE wrestlers are seeking the Reform Party’s nomination this time around, so there isn’t any real reason to care. Maybe Kurt Angle can run next time. (Read as: Please have Kurt Angle run next time.)

Socialist Party :: Hey, y’know, Bernie Sanders is cool and all. I know he seems like a great guy, but maybe he just isn’t your cup of tea. Maybe you’re just not #FeelinTheBern like every other millennial who doesn’t brandish a Confederate flag on the back of their car. Emidio Soltysik and Angela Walker are here for your vote. It actually is depressing how these guys manage to get less and less votes each year, while most parties at least move in a somewhat optimistic direction. Last time they got 4,000 votes. Which is still more than Tyga and Robin Thicke sold in albums combined last year. Yay.

Every Other Party with Socialist in Their Name :: There’s quite a few of them. The big name ones are the Socialist Equality Party and the Socialist Worker’s Party. My question is – why don’t these two team up with the other Socialist Party? It could be like the Big Three that were in Miami for a while there. Emidio Soltysik does like LeBron James a tad bit. (Note: He doesn’t. Not even for a second.)

Veterans Party of America :: Okay, these guys will probably never win anything because they keep suffering from internal splits, but their message is a solid one that should be treated with some respect. The party is founded on the frustration veterans have received towards having their benefits cut time and time again by the government. If you have to support a candidate from one of the two big parties, make sure to support one who supports helping the veterans. It’s not their fault they got thrown into horrible global conflicts. They’re just doing their job the way any of us would in that position. Thanks.

Workers World Party :: We end with another Communist party. You can actually learn quite a lot about world history by studying the interactions they had with famous figures such as Henry A. Wallace and Mao Zedong as a sect of the Socialist Workers Party. These people have supported a lot of odd viewpoints over the year, and they’ve become one of my favorite little efforts to become president. They even publish a newspaper. Like, on paper. How positively Marxist. That’s kind of sad when you think about the fact that Freehold Township High School is more technologically advanced than a crack squad of 150+ adults huddled together in New York. “Fight Imperialism, Stand Together”? Can you even do that on dial-up connection speeds?

That rounds out the list of the sixteen other parties who are seeking the nod to run the country. It should come as no surprise why the bureaucratic system has remained as long as it has – some of these parties are really dumb. I think it serves as a real statement about the American culture that so many people not only believe that the voting system works, but that they are going to be the one’s to win. I don’t know what inspires them, but bless them and anyone else who decides to give it a shot. I mean, it won’t work, but let them figure that out for themselves. It’s the pursuit of happiness that makes the soul truly happy after all. Oh well, join me next time when I investigate where Lincoln Chaffee went and some hot details on my theory regarding Carly Fiorina and Sarah Palin being the same person. Toodles.