THINGS THAT NEED TO STAY IN 2015

1. Hoverboards That Blow Up: I lowkey think hoverboards are cool and I would definitely ride one around, but the fact that they continuously blow up should stop people from buying them. If you’re a kid and your parents bought you a hoverboard for the holidays, they are probably trying to kill you. Call social services if you get a Hoverboard because there is a 100% chance someone wants you dead.

2. Frozen Yogurt: Fro Yo should have died a long time ago. Trending in the summer of 2012 and ONLY in the summer of 2012, the idea of eating low fat ice cream enticed big moms who made young impressionable teens think that eating fro yo was a hella adult thing to do, so everyone our age spent time at Yo Mon or Let’s Yo or some other non-creative generic title with the word Yo in it to get turnt on Goji Berry Balls.

3. Deez Nuts: The inexplicably popular vine trend of ‘Deez Nuts,’ consisting of a dumb looking guy yelling ‘Deez Nuts’ into a prank phone call is as uninspiring as it sounds. If you hear someone in 2016 say ‘Deez Nuts’ report it immediately. See something, say something!

4. NOT THE MOVIE ENCHANTED: Okay this movie is phenomenal and should be on every person’s tv year round. There should be a state law that requires every person to have one room dedicated in their house to playing Enchanted non-stop for 365 days. Amy Adams was great in that move. Oh, and Ella Enchanted was really good too. It was fictional while also being relatable, a perfect blend for a perfect movie!

5. Things that start with E: Ebola, E Coli, Eczema, Eucalyptus, Edgar Allen Poey 101 (a Zoey 101 Edgar Allen Poe fan fiction that doesn’t exist for a reason),  and Everything on Disney Channel. WTF IS GIRL MEETS WORLD?! AND DOG WITH A BLOG IS GARBAGE. LIKE, THE EXECUTIVES FOR DISNEY PROBABLY WAS LIKE “EVERYBODY LIKES DOGS AND BLOGGING IS SEMI-RELEVANT SO LET’S COMBINE THE TWO IN THE MOST UNNATURAL WAY POSSIBLE AND CREATE A SHOW.” BRING BACK WIZARDS OF WAVERLY PLACE.

6. The Whip and the Nae Nae and the Quan: I don’t think I even need to go into detail on this one. Like, everybody in the world SHOULD be sick of these dances, and if you’re not, then I know a really cute volcano for you to jump into!

7. Joggers: My word is law, so listen up: JOGGERS SHOULD ONLY BE WORN BY WOMEN AND NO OTHER GENDER. Honestly, you look like a crusty [dirtbag] if you wear joggers. Your crotch is awkwardly bunched up for everyone to see, which makes you look trashy and repulsive. You don’t even jog in joggers, so why are you wearing them?! What is the purpose?! The blood circulation in your ankles needs you to stop thinking that joggers make you hip, when in reality, they make you look like a huge turd burger.

8. Drake vs Meek Mills: Drake wins because of his music and his success and basically everything. Argument over, I just solved it. The only reason Meek would could be winning is because he has the goddess Nicki Minaj on his arm, but it is his only redeeming quality.

More things that shouldn’t exist in 2016:

Straight to DVD videos- if it’s not in theaters than nobody cares and nobody will EVER care.

Shrek Forever After (Shrek 4)- imagine a family with four kids. The first two born are millionaire cool guys (the first two Shreks), the 3rd youngest is a small town accountant, getting by but not living the high life (S3), and the fourth youngest, Shrek 4, is an ugly butt-nugget that rightfully hates itself.

ISIS

That Money Stuff with Greece

Hopscotch

Scotch Tape

Bad Sandra Bullock Movies- (Our Brand Is Crisis looked terrible!)

Polar Bear Plunges- I don’t know how they work so it automatically should stop existing

Scientology

Office Depot

Cabbage

Daddy’s Home was a vomit movie. If you see it, there is a 78% chance you’ll die from gagging on your own vomit. It was horrendous.