You can call Justin Bieber the comeback kid, but Adele is the comeback QUEEN. Adele Laurie Blue Adkins, the musical Messiah herself, has finally rose (seemingly) from the dead to deliver upon us her newest album, 25. It’s the second coming of the daughter of God, and her new hit “Hello” is proof that she’s back and better than ever. It’s been over four years since we heard new work from the velvet-voiced vocalist (I just LOVE alliteration) and I think we totally should treat her long-awaited, long-anticipated, long-desired comeback to the music industry as the greatest thing in the history of everything.

“Hello… it’s me.” Adele solemnly serenades us through her impactful lyrics of genuine merit. She’s been through heartbreak, she’s been through triumph, she’s been through life. Adele is a person who sings about what it’s like to let your emotions take control, which reminds me of the Disney-Pixar movie Inside Out,  which was way better than I thought it’d be so definitely go check that out. Adele trumps Bieber by having the classiest/saddest/realest lyrics, while the Biebs relies solely on not having soul in his writing. Listen to “What Do You Mean” and really focus on the lyrics. I guarantee a four-year-old from, like, Wisconsin or something wrote it in an essay for school and Bieber’s people stole it and it was a whole Big Fat Liar-esque fiasco.

Exhibit A: “This love has dried up and stayed behind / And if I stay I’ll be a lie / Then choke on words I’d always hide / Excuse me, first love, but we’re through / I need to taste a kiss from someone new.” -“First Love”

Exhibit B: “Next time I’ll be braver / I’ll be my own savior / Standing on my own two feet / I won’t let you close enough to hurt me / No, I won’t rescue you to just desert me / I can’t give you the heart you think you gave me / It’s time to say goodbye to turning tables.” -Turning Tables

Exhibit C: “Never mind, I’ll find someone like you / I wish nothing but the best for you two / Don’t forget me, I beg / I remember you said / Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.” -“Someone Like You”

Literally if you haven’t sobbed hysterically while listening to “Someone Like You” while eating ice cream you’ll probably never find love because clearly you’re heartless. Adele’s lyrics are timeless and beautiful, and Bieber whining about how he doesn’t know what the girl means (a song which is not only often related to rape and the laws of consent, but honestly doesn’t make sense). Point: Adele.

Bieber’s coming back as a tattooed know-it-all who looks oddly like a mix between Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter and Ruby Rose of OITNB. He’s having bratty little breakdowns while performing, even pouting off stage midway through a concert because fans were grabbing his legs. Totally unprofessional and classless.

Adele, on the other hand (not even the other hand. They are actually so entirely different that Adele is like Marilyn Monroe and Bieber is the equivalent to the fungus in between Shrek’s feet in the classic movie Shrek. I don’t know why I had to address that Shrek was in Shrek, but whatever, you get my point.) is SLAYING. Check out her live performance of “Hello” and tell me it doesn’t sound like an angel getting its wings while curing every known disease and feeding the hungry. That is a VERY accurate representation of Adele’s sound, because unlike Justin, she doesn’t need autotune to sound phenomenal.

I also highly recommend you to look at recent pictures of Adele. Looking like the poster child for Subway post Jared’s… ‘mishap’, Adele is looking beautifully confident in her own skin. She looks crazy skinny, not in a sick way but in a healthy way, ready to change her image (physically and metaphorically) for the new album that comes out November 20th!

Adele is back, Bieber is wack! I should put that on a t-shirt, or like how Juicy sweatpants is with their writing. I’m trying to say I’ll write it on the butt of my pants. Anyways, I asked on a twitter poll because I’m hella popular and I like to take advantage of twitter’s new poll feature and posed the question “WHICH ARTIST’S COMEBACK ARE YOU MOST EXCITED FOR: ADELE OR JUSTIN BIEBER” and ADELE WON 66% TO 34%. Honestly, I’m surprised Bieber got any votes at all. I just feel like Bieber’s time has passed. He had the opportunity to remain the biggest pop star in the world, and threw it away for alcohol and drugs and partying and Selena Gomez. I love Selena Gomez, but that was a loss on her end. Anyways, I just think Bieber is a total brat who once had it all and is too scared to work hard to rise back to stardom, as exemplified by his simple lyric dumb songs that are overdosing with lame undanceable beats, bruh. Adele has so much to offer lyrically and her music sounds like a dolphin who was finally able to achieve her dream of being the CEO of her own company while also raising three kids: IT’S JUST INSPIRATIONAL AND FANTASTIC. Anyways, Adele is forever and Bieber is for-NEVER. #Adele #FreeKeshaNow