Greetings, and welcome back to October Horror Fest! Guys, it is currently 11:44 P.M., and your boy is VERY tired. So, please excuse if this article is a bit shorter than normal! (although, knowing me, I doubt it will be). Today, we venture into an entirely new genre of horror, one filled with as much intrigue as scares. You’ve all heard its name, and now, it’s time we venture into the woods. Without further ado, sit back, relax, turn off the lights, grab some Candy and Popcorn, and let’s review…
The Cabin in the Woods
After a title card FILLED with religious and ritualistic art, our tale begins in a nondescript laboratory, as two men with long, flowing lab coats step onto screen. Their names are Gary Sitterson and Steve Hadley. They begin to discuss (using the most nondescript ways of talking might I add), saying how the Stockholm project recently failed. The two men seem relaxed, but know that it is now their job to fulfill a mysterious goal, one that all other nations have failed at. Without any further context, we are thrown into our title card…
After our title card, we cut to the house of a group of American college students. This group will be our main characters, and even though SOMETIMES they can act very “Friday the 13th” ish, they still hold up well! Our group consists of Dana (our main girl), Curt, his girlfriend Jules, Holden, and Marty. Teenage antics ensue between the group, including Dana revealing that she had a “relationship” with one of her college professors. The group all meet up and prepare to go on a trip “into the woods” for the weekend, to a cabin that Curt’s cousin supposedly owns.
After the group sets off in their camper, strange occurrences begin. For starters, an elderly man quite similar to that of Friday the 13th warns the friends about the house. However, they continue on nevertheless. Once arriving at the cabin, (which of COURSE looks absolutely sick and right up my alley), the antics continue for the worse. Dana finds a painting of what seems to be a ritualistic sacrifice, and Holden finds a two way mirror between his and Dana’s rooms. Odd…
Zooming away from Dana covering the painting with a towel, we cut back to live video footage of her being transmitted to Sitterson, Hadley, and the laboratory. WHAT!?! It seems that the scientists have total control of what happens in the cabin, but something may be buried underneath. The old man from earlier CALLS the scientists, as he was an undercover agent. He talks in prophecies, saying the world will burn. In one of the most disgusting scenes of the movie, all the scientists begin to take bets on how the group will die. During a party back on the surface, the actions of the group are manipulated by mind-altering gasses and drugs that Hadley and Sitterson are pumping into the house. During the party, however, the door to the cellar of the cabin comes FLYING open, and the group dares Dana to investigate. She’s terrified at what she finds down below. Underneath the cabin is an entire basement filled with old relics and creepy things (creep factor x100 I’m telling you guys right now). Whilst underneath the cabin, Dana stumbles across a diary written by Patience Buckner, who was a cabin resident that lived there over 100 years ago. She tells the story of how she was abused by her family, and Dana takes this information to heart. However, in the pages of the diary, more ritualistic language is used…
At the end of the diary is a latin incantation, which Dana (in her infinite wisdom) IMMEDIATELY reads. (As a Latin student myself, if Latin is placed in a century or older book, be CAREFUL.) And, of course, it backfires. We see shots of the ENTIRETY of the Buckner family crawling to the surface as zombies, and the group has no idea what they just unleashed. Curt and Jules immediately run off from the party in order to get intimate in the woods (really, TRULY, the most incredible logic from Friday is being showcased by this group), while Dana and Holden begin to kiss. Marty, however, truly feels like something is going wrong. That they are being “puppeted”. As things begin to get hot and heavy in the woods, in a horrific scene, Curt and Jules are ambushed by the zombie Buckners. The zombies KILL Jules as Curt escapes, much to the delight of the scientists, who are watching the entire scene unfold.
Curt RUSHES back to the Cabin, entering in while the cabin continues to be manipulated by the scientists. Eventually, while locked inside his room, Marty finds a camera inside of his shattered lamp. He begins to trace the camera up, seeing that it connects throughout the entire house. The scientists begin to panic, but before they can attempt to knock out or kill Marty manually, a zombie drags him out of the window. He is STABBED and struggles to escape, as he is dragged away. We see his blood collected by a machine utilized by the scientists, heading underground and outlining a piece of art carved into a wall, just like Jules’s blood. After managing to escape the cabin, Curt, Holden, and Dana BOOK IT to their R.V., setting the car into drive and heading for the exit through a tunnel in the surrounding mountain. As Sitterson and Hadley see this, they PANIC. They were supposed to have closed off the tunnel using a simulated cave-in, and they did just that, preventing the group from leaving right in the knick of time. The demoralized group exits the vehicle, and Curt prepares to try something absolutely insane. Grabbing his motorcycle off of the back of the R.V., he tries to make a jump across the ravine, get to the other side, and call for help. Dana kisses him, and our boy Curt (did I mention he’s played by Chris Hemsworth?) begins to make the jump. It goes AMAZING… at first…
Curt hits a MASSIVE invincible forcefield in the ravine, his lifeless body bouncing off of it as he falls thousands of feet to the ground. His blood is collected as well, and another silhouette is filled with blood. Holden and Dana get back into the R.V., and a traumatized Dana says that Marty was right. They are being puppeted, and there is no way out. Holden tries to calm her, until a SPEAR pierces his neck from behind, killing him instantly. A zombie is on board, and the dead body of Holden causes the R.V. to go plunging into the river. Dana is able to swim to safety, traumatized, horrified, shaken, and officially reaching final girl status. However, this “happy” moment is short-lived, as a zombie appears. It BRUTALLY attacks Dana, as in another one of the craziest scenes in the movie, we cut back to the lab. Scientists all around are celebrating with beers and other drinks, as the “prophecy” is now complete. Dana’s blood, as she is a “virgin”, is not needed to fulfill the ritual. As long as she dies last, the sacrifice is complete. We see Dana be ruthlessly attacked through monitors in the lab, and we watch as she throws up blood and struggles to escape. In the lab, Hadley jokes that he wishes a merman killed the group instead of zombies.
Everything seems to be coming up, until their party is rudely interrupted. First of all, HORRIBLE news, the experiment in Japan has failed. This means that whatever ritual or prophecy that is happening, the American experiment is “humanity’s last hope”. SECOND, a call is made to Sitterson. Dana isn’t the only one left. On the surface, out of NOWHERE, MARTY comes back into the picture! He attacks the zombie currently attacking Dana, and the pair run off into the woods. They jump down into a hidden trapdoor under a grave, and Marty explains what he knows. The hidden room is connected to a complex, and there is an elevator that Marty is able to hotwire. The pair enter this elevator, and begin descending, seeing hellish abomination NIGHTMARE creatures all around them. The laboratory was under the cabin this entire time.
In an absolutely incredible shot, the pair are lost in a maze of hundreds of cube shaped prisons, each holding a different monster. In the lab, Sitterson and Hadley are panicking trying to find and eliminate the pair. However, they NEED to eliminate Marty first, as if Dana dies before him, the ritual will not work. In the elevator, while looking at the monsters, Dana sees them all holding an object. These objects were the SAME ONES in the basement of the cabin. The scientists made the group unknowingly choose what horrific fate would end them. Before the weight of this realization can hit, Dana and Marty are cornered by armed guards. The pair rush into an office in a large room, as the forces advance on them. In the office, however, is the key to the most gnarly scene I think I’ve ever seen in a horror movie. Dana drops her needed one liner, “let’s get this party started”, after pressing a button on the control panel in the office that will override the system. The pair duck down deeper into the office, holding each other, as elevators on each side of the room begin to “ding”! The elevators BURST open, AND EVERY SINGLE CAPTIVE MONSTER APPEARS. The room fills up with blood quicker than you can even say the word “blood”, as the monsters wreak havoc on anything they see. They spread through the laboratory, killing scientists left and right in a MASSACRE. (If you’re not squeamish, this entire scene is on YouTube!) Hadley is killed by, ironically, a merman, as Sitterson is accidentally stabbed BY DANA as the two make contact in tunnels under the facility.
Before Sitterson dies, though, he holds onto Dana and begs one thing. He wants her to kill Marty. The world depends on it. Marty doesn’t hear this, and the two find themselves in the ancient temple from earlier, all of the silhouettes now filled with blood besides that of the virgin (Dana). Some MUCH needed clarity is brought to us from a scene that made me jump out of my chair. SIGOURNEY WEAVER appears as the director of the facility (funny that she played a protagonist named Dana in a spooky movie as well! “Who you gonna call?”), and explains what this is all about. Underneath the cabin, and the laboratory, the old gods who used to rule Earth are imprisoned. Every year, human sacrifices are held to appease these ancient ones, (the group of underground gods), as they are called by the director. Each region on Earth has its own ritual to appease the ancient ones, but EVERY SINGLE ONE has failed besides the current American ritual. The American ritual involves the sacrifice of five archetypes: the ***** ( Jules), the athlete (Curt), the scholar (Holden), the fool (Marty), and the virgin (Dana). The order of their deaths does not matter, as long as the ***** dies first and the virgin dies last or survives. Whatever happens to the virgin is entirely in fate’s hands. (There are several theories about Marty being the true virgin, and Dana being the fool. I actually agree with many of these thoughts, and you guys are about to see why in just a second.)
Dana, on her own volition, raises her gun and aims it at Marty. The director keeps prodding Dana to kill him, telling her that the entire fate of the world rests upon her. However, before she can fire, a werewolf appears from behind her, mauling our EXTREMELY morally grey final girl. Marty scares the werewolf off by shooting at it, but he and the director become engaged in a brutal fight to the death. It seems Marty will die, until none other than Patience Buckner arrives. Dana tries to use the last of her strength to warn Marty, and it works. He flips below the director, and shields the blow from Patience’s machete using the director’s body. Marty then kicks the director’s body into the pit of the old gods below them, bringing Patience with her. Dana and Marty, being VERY chill, decide that humanity truly is not worth sharing. They apologize to each other, and share a smoke as the temple collapses. In one of the CRAZIEST ending shots I have ever seen, A GIANT TITAN HAND bursts out of the ground, as we see it destroy the facility, and come shooting onto the surface through the cabin. The hand comes down on the camera, bringing about the end of the world, as we cut to black…
THERE WE HAVE IT!!! I hope you all enjoyed this one! If I am going to be so honest, I had SOOOO much fun with this movie and this article. It was a lot easier for me to write this and for you guys to read it when the articles are shorter, huh? The plot twists in this movie are one of the best I’ve ever seen, and I absolutely love it for all the chances it took. I HEAVILY recommend this one to all of you! I hope you all enjoyed it!!! And, before you all go, always remember, sacrifices MUST be made…
