I want to change. 

But changing is hard

To forever restart

 in a habitat the same

Waiting for something 

To change.

I see her everyday

The one that I was so attached to

It felt like when she breathed I took a breath too

We shared air

We shared everything 

Or I should say I gave her everything I could.

That’s how it felt whenever I gave her everything

I wish I could relive it

Every single decision and see

If she would chose me if I chose differently

I think thats why I learned to articulate myself

Because if she taught me anything 

Its that words speak louder than you do.

How you say or turn a phrase

can end everything you ever wanted.

That’s how it felt whenever I gave her my everything

The pleasure of pleasing her is all I ever wanted

All I had ever dreamed of and I had it

She was unriled, 

Vulnerable to me, and only me 

But now I feel like allowing everything to play out the way it did

Made her angry that I did what I did

And I can’t blame her so 

I will sit and love her from a far because that is all I can do

I’ve been trying to get out of this thinking

But whenever the opportunity for someone new eventually comes around

And then ends because high school relationships don’t work 

Im reminded of you everytime

I long for you it makes me feel crazy 

And Im sorry but I dont long for you

I long for the idea of you

I long for “You”, an idea I have created

She is lovely and kind,

With deep deep eyes,

And she makes me want to wake up and 

take the medicine im prescribed to stay alive 

to dream of her again and again

I’m crazy and I’ve finally gone mad

That’s how it felt whenever I gave her my everything

Giving her everything was basically a rendition of self-love 

because the exchange was so fool-proof it was chemically accounted for

That’s how it felt whenever I gave her my everything

I don’t think I’ve ever loved someone as wholeheartedly as I loved you.

That’s how it felt whenever I gave her my everything.

I wish I could give her everything right now.