Being that I passed my driving test on the first try like a boss, and have, as the kids say, “copped my L piece,” I see it fit to share my wise expertise to help you readers be prepared for your Judgment Day. Continue reading on and discover what important steps you need to take in order to get that glorious golden ticket: a driver’s license.

Practice Parallel Parking:

The hardest and most crucial part of every driving test is parallel parking. Personally, I hate parallel parking. I am 99.9% positive I will never do it in the real world, so the fact that we are tested on it at the Eatontown DMV is commensurate to a punch in the face. But, as I will probably never accept, complaining about something enough will not make it go away. Set up cones in your driveway or at school during a weekend and just practice for a few hours. Parallel parking was my biggest fear for the test because I had heard rumors that if you’re off by an inch they will literally murder you in the car and stuff you in the trunk for eternity. Or, you know, fail you (which is basically the equivalent to that). The goal of the PP (I’m sorry, I will never call it that again) is to get your car between the traffic cones and less than a foot from the curb in only three swift moves. Sometimes you will have to move the car more than three times, which can result in you getting a lower score. However, this will not annihilate your chances at getting your driver’s license, but will leave little to no room for future error on your test.

After parallel parking on the course, the typical instructor will do a few things to try and ruin your life. First, he or she will make you unsure of yourself and judgmentally say, “are you really sure you want to keep it like this?” to which you will reply a confident nod. They’ll open the door, check the car’s position, and tell you to move on to the next part of the test. If you’re too far off, they’ll probably give you another chance to redo it. I was thankful enough to get (darn I forgot his name, maybe it was Joe idk) and he didn’t even open the door to check for me. He just said “let’s go” and that was pretty much it. It all really depends on the person you get to assess you, but be prepared to have the woman Josh had in Drake and Josh that kept screaming at him. Once you complete the PP (I thought I’d give it another shot but I still hate it) it’s on to the next part of the test.

The Game Has Changed: the Highway of Hell:

I am not really sure if I’m allowed to say the word “Hell” in a high school newspaper article, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. Actually, I’ll drive over the bridge because I have my license and you don’t. Why don’t you have your license? Because you were not prepared for the rumored new addition to the road test: the highway! In mid-October, the rules of the road changed. After passing the course behind the Eatontown DMV, student drivers will be taken to the highway to prove they have the moxy of a real driver. You will 100% be driving on the highway, unless the rules change again, and here is the route you will take. PRACTICE THIS like your social life depends on it, because it pretty much does:

1. Pull out of the DMV and make a right onto Route 36
2. Drive down about a quarter mile and make a right onto Route 35
3. Turn right on Wyckoff Road, and ride it until its end (one tricky thing to remember on Wyckoff Road is that you pass a school zone so slow down!)
4. Make a right where Route 71 splits and drive South
5. Come up 71 to 36- make another right on 36
6. Drive 36 until you reproach the DMV
7. Turn in, park, pass, live your life happily-ever-after and thank me for your success.

Leading up to your test, drive down to Eatontown and practice this drive. Instructors want to see your confidence on the road, and nothing says confidence like being prepared (sorry, I sound like Smokey the Bear).

You’re Not Too Good to Not Practice on Sundays

On Sundays, the Eatontown DMV is closed and trespassing is forbidden… but not really. The DMV people turn a blind eye on Sundays, keeping the gates open and allowing you to practice their course. I recommend bringing cones to set up for the parallel parking, and a parent who won’t yell at you for all the mistakes you are bound to make. Your best bet is to practice on the course the Sunday before your actual test. When practicing with your parent, don’t turn music on either. Concentrate to the best of your ability and prove to them that you’re capable of driving by yourself, because even after you earn your license, they still may not allow you to drive by yourself.

More Tips that will Help:

•  Apparently, it’s a thing that once you get your license, someone bites it. It’s a rite of passage, like graduating high school or getting Bar Mitzvah’d! My sister bit deep into mine, and even though now it looks like Sharkboy got to it, it’s something that everybody gets done to them. So, just be hip and let it happen.
• Make sure you have all five points of ID (look online for what they are). If you are missing even one, they’ll turn you around and you’ll be forced to reschedule.
• Know that you’re not the only nervous person to ever take the test! I was insanely nervous for my test, and when I get nervous, I become super polite. Like, over the top polite, where I brown-nose so bad it looks like I shoved my face in a Taco Bell toilet. I kept calling my instructor sir and asked about his family… don’t do that. Do what I didn’t do, which is take a deep breath and realize that your instructor is not there to fail you. Do the best you can, and if they see that, you have a greater chance of passing.
• Over-exaggerate everything you do. When you stop at a stop sign, lean forward as if someone dropped a bowling ball on your back (actual advice someone gave me that kind of works) and say out loud “Left Right Left Right.” Embarrass yourself with how often you check the mirrors. Put a blinker on earlier than usual for every turn you make, as it looks really good in the eyes of the instructor.
• Don’t believe in the false statistics that only 33% of student drivers pass because of the new highway rule. As long as you practice the course beforehand, be assured that you’ll do great. The highway route is just a big circle back to the DMV and takes about 8 minutes overall. If you have practiced driving before (which is a stupid question considering the fact that you made it that far already), it is nothing you cannot handle.
• Hire someone at your local driving school to take you out beforehand. I did, and my guy gave me some valuable information on what to expect during my test. The driving school instructors also work very closely with the DMV instructors (they probably all went to the same driving instructor convention at the YMCA together idk) so they’ll talk you up before you go, increasing the odds of you passing.
• Know how to parallel park, K-turn, and back up in a straight line. Watch videos on youtube that can show you other helpful tips on what to know.
• Talk to friends who have taken the test this year already. Ask specifically for the feedback they received from their driving instructors, as their mistakes can easily not be repeated. My guy told me I drove too slow on the course, so drive about 10 MPH or faster on the course behind the DMV.
• Pray for rain, because if it does rain, you can blame any mistakes on it. “Oh I couldn’t see the cone because of the rain; can I try again?” or “I didn’t see that person because of the rain… can I try again?” Works every time!
• Reschedule dates are pushed super far back. You usually would have to wait two weeks to get a new date, but now with more kids failing, your new date will be pushed back about a month/month-and-a-half. If you fail in Eatontown, your best bet is to register for a test at the Ocean DMV, where the redo dates are not pushed back as far.
• When you get your license, put the red stickers on your car. They are like three dollars and can really help you on the road. They’re great because other drivers don’t get mad at you when you make mistakes. I love the red stickers because people don’t honk at me. I might wear them on my car (does that sound right, having my car wear them?) until I’m about 40. And you’re not too cool for the red stickers, so take a seat.
• You will look like a mess in your photo. My picture looks like a mugshot, and when I asked to retake it the man laughed in my face. My self-esteem suffered a minor blow that day. Note that you cannot smile in your photo (apparently for some reason happiness is against the law at the DMV or something) so you have to look super bored but wear a killer outfit.

I hope my many wonderful tips help you pass your driving test. Definitely practice parallel parking at home, and visit the course and the highway on Sundays. Being prepared is the best way to assure your success (now I sound like Smokey The Bear again!). Anyways, good luck and comment below or find me in the halls if you have any questions on how to get your driver’s license.